Byron will be 5 months old on Friday, and oh, how he grows. He talks and kicks and stands and bounces and is moving quickly toward sitting on his own. He has grown slowly more independent by the day and I am in awe of his changing body, moods and mind. I am so deeply in love with this little man.
Tim and I are doing well as a couple and parenting team. Our communication is strong and we have worked hard to stay emotionally and mentally connected during this transition into parenting. Last night, our fantastic neighbors watched Jack Byron long enough for us to go on a date. We went out to watch "Guardians of the Galaxy", which both of us loved, then grabbed burgers and beer before coming home to a happy little man. It was wonderful to have the time and space to just be "Rosie and Tim". It has been a joy and a privilege to see Tim as a father. I love this man.
And then there is me. I'm a mama now. I have this little child who is dependent on me for his every physical, emotional and social need. I love this new role. I love him. But it has been a transition. When Tim and I moved out to Madison, it was for Tim's job. Madison gave us an opportunity for Tim to grow in his career and, initially, I thought it would bring opportunity to me as well. I left a job I loved and felt appreciated and respected in. We left family and friends. It was a complete leap of faith, and while Tim is growing and thriving in his job, I have suddenly found myself a housewife. Yeah, that's right....I'm a housewife. I stay home with the baby, cook and clean, do the groceries, feed the cats, keep the social calender, attend much needed mommy-baby groups and live up to every expectation of a 1950s stay-at-home-mom. This may not be politically correct, and people may argue that my role is much bigger then that, but for now, this is how I see myself. And you know what? I'm ok with it. For now, this is ok. I have decided to practice radical acceptance of my current standing.
I have some small music therapy contracts on the horizon to "keep me in the game", but I have found it difficult to balance the cost of childcare with my income potential and piecemeal schedule in private practice. While I hold a Masters degree and several licenses...and the debt to prove it... they don't count for much in this market and professional culture. I continue to look for professional opportunities, but for now...I'm a housewife.
That being said, I am growing in totally new ways now. I have learned to let go of my need to follow a rigid and consistent schedule. My schedule is now dictated by my son's needs. I have learned to be accountable to myself for my sense of success and happiness. I have learned to slow down and focus on the smaller things, like a smile, or the life-cycle of the wildflowers in the park, or the ecstasy of having enough time to do the dishes AND cook a full meal before Byron needs to be held again. This time is fleeting. In a few years, I will be in a new phase of life. I will eventually find a job that works for our family. Byron will not always be a helpless and endlessly delicious infant. While I would like to contribute to the family finances, I now contribute in a different way. I must now be comfortable with myself in totally new roles...and that's ok. There is much joy and love in this work too.
